Chaotic churning, Emotions et. al
I use the word God because it’s resonant, feels like an encapsulation of intelligences that I will never have in this corporeal form. Perhaps you are a collection of intelligences, or a self-aware being that is just a cell of a somehow more self-aware being. I’m unable to know.
I ask things of you all the time. I pray to you before I sleep at night, asking you to see me, to understand that I try my hardest to not be petty, to not perpetuate suffering. I ask for guidance. I used to ask for blessings before I started seeing the parallel between a blessing and a kick in the stomach.
I do want things though. I don’t mean physical things, but more peace of mind. I want my heart to stop hurting. I want an easing of my suffering. These are selfish, and aren’t so much requests as they are statements. I want those things, but I certainly don’t expect them.
In thoughts to you, God, I find myself using the word “I” so very often. The implication is perhaps a disconnect. I could speak in terms of “We” where you and I picnic in some cosmic state of enlightenment where sorrow is alleviated and you hold my hand and the valley that I often find myself walking through is inverted to a mountain pass where we see all horizons, in an 11th dimensional panoramic fracture of light and states of being.
But this is not how walking is as of late. I feel sorrow and though I know there are those who suffer in ways that my imagination cannot give me the experience of, I think there is no real comparison between sorrows. It is a tarred stone in my stomach and a spider-web encapsulating a heart full of bees. It is a suspicion that I am despised and despicable, that I am conniving and a victim of abuses I cannot perceive.
Many would call this ego and pride and though I think it is that, it is also something else. Just as any bit of matter exists in multiplicity, pockmarking the multiverse, so can a state of being be described as many things, many incarnations, many types of pain and joy.
I am so sorry I feel this way. It’s not guilt in the Catholic or Jewish stereotype, but I truly want to apologize to you for being blind and stupid. I am some ignorant cave dwelling creature so unused to brilliance that walking in the world is often clumsy and accompanied by shame. I am sorry for that as well. With the entirety of vibrating creation, including the beautiful being that I can describe myself as, I still feel sorrow and sorry and shame.
If I could ask anything of you God, in whatever incarnation you are, it would be to help me alleviate this shame and sorrow so that I can clearly love and understand. I see that I should love and that I want to love but the rope bridge is cut and dangling and I don’t know how to reattach it. I might need help with that.
Above all things, I am truly thankful that I can feel. I do as much of that as I know how and I’m always learning more. This is a gift and I cherish it. I actively fight that desire to quell feeling, to be automated and callous and I might need a little help with that battle too.
I’m trying and doing and ever grateful,